Looking for the WHY

19 Jan 2011 Leave a Comment

by Andrea in journey, stress Tags: Biggest Loser, diabetes, embarrassment, fat, fat girl, fitness, health, heart attack, obese, self-hatred, stroke, unhealthy, weight loss, weight struggle

Tuesday night is the night when we snuggle on the couch and watch Biggest Loser together. K and I like the show and it’s inspired him to lose more than 65 pounds. It inspires me too, but I have yet to kick myself into gear and take control of my weight and my health. Tuesdays are bittersweet because we love the show and being inspired but I am very convicted about my own weight. Last week and this week I’ve been even more conscious of the effect my weight has on my children.

For the past two Tuesdays my son, who is the epitome of health and fitness, has stared at me with his big brown eyes filled with tears, clutching my arm as we watch people on the show learn about their “inner age” and in some cases, get an estimated year of death. Tonight I talked to him about it because I wanted to alleviate some of his fears. I asked him what was wrong and he squeaked out, through tears and a strained voice, “I just don’t want you to die.”  I wanted to tell him that it would be okay, I’m not going to die but I can’t give him that answer. I’m overweight. Obese. I’m as big as the people on the Biggest Loser who are being told that they have maybe 15 more years to live. I can’t guarantee that my weight won’t kill me. But I tell him that I don’t want to die either and that I am trying.

It’s kind of true. I don’t want to be diabetic or have a heart attack or a stroke. I don’t want to struggle with everyday activities because I’m too fat. But I don’t know how to stop it. I mean, I know how to count calories and exercise and all the theory behind what I should be doing. But I don’t know how to stop. I don’t know how to say no to a brownie at my mom’s house or how to stop obsessing about the chocolate chips in the cupboard. I don’t know why I am, essentially, killing myself with food. Why? Why am I not as motivated to work out as I am to make sure my television shows are properly recorded? Why do I mindlessly take seconds (or more) of my meals? Why can I find time to do everything else in life but work out?

Here’s the thing, I’m not stupid. I’m a fairly intelligent person, so WHY CAN’T I DO THIS? My husband has “got it”. My mom has always had “it”. Even my 10-year-old son makes healthy choices. So what’s wrong with me? I know that when I can answer that question, I will be more successful. To say that I am embarrassed by my weight is an understatement. My struggle has been going on since I was nine-years-old. Inside I still feel like the fat girl who just isn’t good enough to be pretty or skinny or loved which is ridiculous because my family loves me. But I don’t love me and I don’t know why. I think in addition to counting calories and working out, I need to do some soul-searching.

In the meantime, I will keep trying to eat healthier and smaller portions. I will make working out a priority. And I will pray that I can make my children, and myself, proud again.

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